This week I wanted to give up basically everyday. This journey is so hard. The guilt for indulging in a couple pieces of birthday cake and the scale reflecting the indulgence.

The feeling like two a day workouts and watching every single thing you consume is the only way to stay on track. Knowing you can gain it back 10x faster than you lost it if you have some miss-steps.

I know most of you readers already know, but here I am with all the details. Chad and I got engaged 11/19/2021 in Duluth. Now to the fun part. Chad came with me on a day trip to Duluth. He came with me to visit a few customers then we went for a walk on the pier. We were having a normal kerfuffle because he was being weird about there being people all around us lol, little did I know he was panicking trying to find the perfect moment to drop to one knee.

I had no idea what this was until a few days ago. As I sit and write this post I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of starting this process. It’s daunting, but it’s something that I can control about this process. So much of this is so new and the more I read and learn the more I think I have had this for a lot longer than originally thought and I wish I would’ve been diagnosed sooner.

I broke down this week. I felt like I was not being appreciated or quite honestly even seen. It wears on you after a while. It’s an all too familiar feeling of numbness which brings back tidal waves on emotion in and of itself from past trauma. There’s beauty in being vulnerable, but there is also immense pain. The kind of pain you don’t really know how to put into words. Your heart is numb.

For the last two years I have lived in fear.

Fear that I will be "found". I am finally in a good place and I would stop at nothing to keep that.

Fear that I will never feel good enough to be happy.

Fear that I am a product of my experience and I can't change that.

Fear that I will be left because I am inadequate.

Fear that I am unworthy.

I came upon this on Instagram a few weeks ago and it has just been swirling around in my mind. I have done so much soul searching these last couple of years. I have grown so much in my emotion, power, strength, self-image. I know who I am. I know what I believe about the world around me and about myself.

I am a strong believer in manifesting goals to make them reality. I've made vision boards for years, but for some reason creating this one felt different. I am going to walk you through my process in how I created my board. Where it is in my home, and how I use it!

Let's go!

What a weekend! Do you ever have one of those weekends and it just feels good. It makes your heart so happy and full? I am ready to shout it from the rooftops that I had one of those weekends this past weekend and it was way overdue.

I remember as a kid my mom used to get together with friends before Christmas and they would make tons and tons of cookies to make trays to give to neighbors. So a few weeks ago I messaged Kenz and Brooke and proposed the idea. It didn't take much convincing to get them to be in! Brooke made the trek down and we had ourselves a great weekend full of sugar.

We are all stressed right now, that's no secret. We are dealing with financial stress, job stress, relationship stress, then we add COVID stress. It sucks.

It was recently recommended to me that I investigate more about the stress cycle and how to successfully complete it before adding additional stress. (cough work cough)

What is the stress cycle and how to complete it?

I have spent more time crying in the last three days then I have in a long time. You see, Thanksgiving was always my favorite. I love spending time with my insanely large and obnoxious family. I love the chaos and the tag in the aisles of the market. The smell of mushrooms and onions cooking in an obscene amount of butter, sausage links, and fresh raspberry danishes. I fricken love it. Two years ago Thanksgiving became my least favorite day because of someone I let into my life. It sucks. I am reminded everyday of the choices I made and the journey it has been to get back to being okay. I say it all the time, but trauma fucking sucks. It never lets you go. It's the elephant on your chest when you pass a stupid exit sign where you got left multiple times to fend for yourself. It's the Facebook memories of supposed great times that were tainted by harassment. It's time alone that you can't catch your breath because something triggered you. It's hard. I don't have a magic answer on how to fix it, but I try like hell to normalize the suck, because I didn't know when I was going through the thick of it that it was happening to anyone else and I felt alone. I refuse to let anyone else feel alone in the struggle.

In case you haven't heard yet, we are now puppy parents. Yeah, it was only supposed to be one, but SURPRISE, now it's two.

After Tulsa died we had made a pact that we'd give it a year before we got a puppy. Well Chad made it almost a year before we got a big surprise. He'd been on the hunt for the last few months for a Catahoula Leopard Pup. He found a breeder near where he was going on a hunting trip in Missouri. With the unpredictability of weather seasons changed early and the window for hunting got cut short....so we had to go on a 20+ hour road trip to pick up puppy. A friend of Chad's also wanted one, so we brought back two! To make a very convoluted long story short his friend backed out and we kind of fell in love with both, so meet Ranger and River.

Today this popped up on my timeline. It was a good night. I should be happy right?

Instead this was a sucker punch to the gut. A solid reminder of how far I’ve come in the last couple of years. This sold out concert of one of my favorite bands was tainted at the time by a boyfriend that I had attempted to break up with a few days prior incessantly blowing up my phone because he didn’t want to be without me….My entire night was long trips to the bathroom to shed some tears because I didn’t know what to do. I felt smothered. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t enjoy my night because I was texting HIM! Because if I didn't respond instantly there were five more texts hounding me for a response. The anxiety I didn't know I even had was at a max and my threshold only grew over the coming months which is truly so terrifying to think about now.

There’s a picture floating around the instagram world.

If I were to tell you that at 26 you would be happy. The 23 year old you wanted to give up. Yep, that was me.

You knew at 5 that you were going to be a teacher and if I could tell you now, it’d be to grow into the self you WANT to be. Absorb everything. Listen, follow your gut, learn, read the books, stay in on nights you want to be, party til 4am with your friends when the night feels right. Your job is truly the least important part of your life and remember that. It’s important for the 8-4 you’re there, but it shouldn’t be your reason to live. That’s not living.

I hope that you too have a special place. Where you know exactly how many miles as each exit sign passes. A place where the exit off the interstate gives you goosebumps. Where you can still walk down Minnesota Street and see the same friendly faces from years prior. Where the smell of stale cigarette smoke floats through the bar and it brings you back to nights of warm Jameson and more awkward dance parties than you could ever truly put a number too.

I was once told by an acquaintance that I shouldn’t share the struggle. That it should be hidden because “you’re not the only one dealing with it”. Well, it’s my life and I am going to share it. I had to decide what to do with the trauma of an incredibly difficult relationship. I could’ve swallowed it and lived it and I honestly don’t know where I’d be today, but I can tell you that it wouldn’t be good. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. Sharing my story is not to receive a pity party. That was never my intention and never will be.

The last couple of months have been more eye opening than one could ever image. There have been a multitude of changes and to be completely honest I once again got down into the hard part of life. I got a new job that enlightened me to just how negative my last job had made me. I love the work that I did and still do, but at my last job I would come home so defeated and exhausted that I would be a zombie. It was affecting my relationships, my health, and my happiness. Chad would tell me that I was “crabby” all the time, but I didn’t believe him. I thought that I was just tired. Well… it was so much more than that.

I have been spending the last few months doing everything in my power to find myself. Distance myself from the blog and social media (which I love) and really search my heart and soul for some sort of pathway. Some sort of light to guide me to where I am supposed to be.

I am not ready to share all that has been going on in my life or why I may be a bit more distant on the blog for the next few weeks, but I will share the story when the time is right.

I am a writer, it’s no secret. I contemplated giving up this outlet. I really did. I took a few days and decided that I really can’t. This is my outlet. This is how I share my story until I have a new platform to speak and share. I share. I am an educator. I am wired to write, and speak, and network and it’s in my DNA. This is it and I love it and how it makes me feel which means that I am not giving it up.

“I’ve been struggling...I’ve had thoughts of self harm and suicide. I didn’t follow through, but I was in a dark place”. My heart stopped. I could not believe sitting next to my beautiful friend that these words were coming out of her mouth. I felt like I was being punched in the gut and wanted to vomit all simultaneously. This strong, brave, incredible woman had reached her breaking point. I just wanted to hold her and remind her that there are so many options and ways to seek help I just wanted to cry. I still want to cry just writing this.

Gaslighting was something I didn’t know ANYTHING about until about 4 months into my therapy experience and I think this is something that we as a society need to do a way better job of educating our young women about. Here’s the low down according to dictionary.com. Gaslighting means you “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity”. Well this happened to me and I was completely blind to it at the time. I went into such a deep depression that I had completely lost myself which if you have followed me over the last 18 months you know all about.

Quarantine sucks straight up sucks.

It's fricken hard. So I'm going to tell you something that I am sure you've heard, but I am going to tell you again. IT SUCKS FOR EVERYONE. IT IS NOT JUST YOU. So quit your pity party and try to make the best of it. It's all we can do at this point.