Can I Get A Do-Over

I have spent more time crying in the last three days then I have in a long time. You see, Thanksgiving was always my favorite. I love spending time with my insanely large and obnoxious family. I love the chaos and the tag in the aisles of the market. The smell of mushrooms and onions cooking in an obscene amount of butter, sausage links, and fresh raspberry danishes. I fricken love it. Two years ago Thanksgiving became my least favorite day because of someone I let into my life. It sucks. I am reminded everyday of the choices I made and the journey it has been to get back to being okay. I say it all the time, but trauma fucking sucks. It never lets you go. It's the elephant on your chest when you pass a stupid exit sign where you got left multiple times to fend for yourself. It's the Facebook memories of supposed great times that were tainted by harassment. It's time alone that you can't catch your breath because something triggered you. It's hard. I don't have a magic answer on how to fix it, but I try like hell to normalize the suck, because I didn't know when I was going through the thick of it that it was happening to anyone else and I felt alone. I refuse to let anyone else feel alone in the struggle.

This year was going to be my redemption. I was going to be able to go to the stuffing party and feel good. That's an insanely huge step for me. I am insanely grateful for how far I have come this year. I have done things that I never in a million years thought I would have the confidence to do again.

I moved in with my boyfriend.

I rented my home.

I got a new job.

I am finally realizing that there can be good again and that I feel that I deserve the good that's in my life. Read that again. I feel that I deserve the good that's in my life. Let that sink in. In a year of suck how do we find the good?

This week has been a set back. Not a hole, but a set back. I was so (like beyond words) excited to feel good enough to go back to the stuffing party. Two years of clouds and thunderstorms of the mind prevented me from my favorite moment on my favorite day. I couldn't handle my favorite part of the day. Do you know how hard that is to swallow? My head was preventing me from good. I have worked diligently to push through that. I was ready to celebrate feeling clear and happy. And the opportunity was pulled out from under my feet. No celebrations with family. That's a set back. No stuffing party, no seeing family I only get to see a few times a year, no pajama breakfast, and tag with the little's. Done.

I was dumb and didn't let anyone into how I was feeling about this. I honestly couldn't put my finger on it until yesterday during my therapy session. There has just been a lot going on and I needed to do some soul searching to truly get to the bottom of the cloud. I know I get like Eyore when I am sad. I am not at a point to put it any other way. I shut down. I don't let anyone in. I just give up. I'd rather try to calm my demons on my own in my head then to ruin anyone elses day or confide in anyone else. I realize that's selfish beyond belief. When I don't let anyone else in to how I am feeling I am hurting them because they think they're the ones causing me the pain. Which is not the case.

In my head I was doing everything in my power to make tomorrow the best it can be. I decided I was going to cook an entire meal for us. A chicken instead of a turkey (because it's just us), green bean casserole, corn pudding, sweet potatoes, gravy, and stuffing. The works. I'm doing it. I decided I wanted to go for a walk or do something outside because I know that's when I am at my best mentally is when I am outside. I am trying like hell to do what I can to control the situation. But in doing so, again, I wasn't letting anyone know what was going on in my head. So to my family I was just trying to over plan. No. I need something concrete that I can look forward to. I thrive on routine and plan. I need to know exactly what time we are doing something, so that I can relax. The unknown is hard for me, so going into tomorrow with no plan, but me making dinner for us is hard. I am trying to be okay with it, but it's difficult.

This morning we argued because I feel immense shame for what happened to me in the past. I hate that I let what happened to me happen. When I have hard days I am insanely critical of myself still. Do I want to not do that to myself? Of course. Have I given up things I love because I don't feel the fire anymore? Yep. Do I need to stop doing that and find something to relight my fire? 100% yes.

The other day my cousin sent me these words:

I'm so happy for you and how your life is right now.

I'm so glad you got help. It takes a lot to do that.

That just hit different.

I want to be able to share my story. I have written before that if my story can help one person then the pain and soul searching was worth it. I want my story to inspire someone to get out or take the steps to get help.

My journey is nowhere near over. In order to be the best me in my relationship with my family, my boyfriend, and myself I need to start letting them in. The good, the bad, and the ugly. They won't judge and I realize that now. I am the most critical of myself in every situation. The days of sunshine and rainbows are great, but there are other days of the need for no talking, weighted blanket time, and binge watching Hallmark movies. It's not all good and that's life and I need to start sharing that.

This blog is my space to share my story. As I continue to write and share my thoughts this is also a space for me to share things I love and that I am going to intentionally start doing more of to relight my fire. I want to share recipes I'm making, all things Beautycounter, cute clothes, workouts, and essential oils. I also want to share with you all of the things that I am trying to do to get myself to a better head space, because in this time of not being able to do much because of COVID regulations there's no better time to do some personal development and share it with you.

I am here to share my story. I am here to write the next chapter. I am here to be Catherine 2.0 and believe in myself enough to do the hard work.