Yesterday I finally went to get a second opinion on my heath.

Here's a brief recap of how it went…

About a month ago I started going to see Naturally Rach in St. Paul (check her out here) and have been doing bi-weekly cupping and energy work. I cannot recommend it enough. I had no expectations going into my first session. I only wanted to try it out and see if I could feel a difference in my body and my autoimmune flairs. I have been doing so good at keeping my flairs in check with what I am eating I wanted to see if this could also relieve some inflammation.

Seriously simple and fulfilling! A hearty weeknight dinner.

I had no idea what this was until a few days ago. As I sit and write this post I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of starting this process. It’s daunting, but it’s something that I can control about this process. So much of this is so new and the more I read and learn the more I think I have had this for a lot longer than originally thought and I wish I would’ve been diagnosed sooner.

I broke down this week. I felt like I was not being appreciated or quite honestly even seen. It wears on you after a while. It’s an all too familiar feeling of numbness which brings back tidal waves on emotion in and of itself from past trauma. There’s beauty in being vulnerable, but there is also immense pain. The kind of pain you don’t really know how to put into words. Your heart is numb.

For the last two years I have lived in fear.

Fear that I will be "found". I am finally in a good place and I would stop at nothing to keep that.

Fear that I will never feel good enough to be happy.

Fear that I am a product of my experience and I can't change that.

Fear that I will be left because I am inadequate.

Fear that I am unworthy.

I came upon this on Instagram a few weeks ago and it has just been swirling around in my mind. I have done so much soul searching these last couple of years. I have grown so much in my emotion, power, strength, self-image. I know who I am. I know what I believe about the world around me and about myself.

We are all stressed right now, that's no secret. We are dealing with financial stress, job stress, relationship stress, then we add COVID stress. It sucks.

It was recently recommended to me that I investigate more about the stress cycle and how to successfully complete it before adding additional stress. (cough work cough)

What is the stress cycle and how to complete it?

With the election, COVID, and everyday life social media can be suffocating. I know it definitely has been toxic for me and my own mental health.

I created a quick list of alternatives to scrolling that you should try! I am not asking you to do a full on social detox, just to get off your phone for 5-10 minutes and try something different.

I have spent more time crying in the last three days then I have in a long time. You see, Thanksgiving was always my favorite. I love spending time with my insanely large and obnoxious family. I love the chaos and the tag in the aisles of the market. The smell of mushrooms and onions cooking in an obscene amount of butter, sausage links, and fresh raspberry danishes. I fricken love it. Two years ago Thanksgiving became my least favorite day because of someone I let into my life. It sucks. I am reminded everyday of the choices I made and the journey it has been to get back to being okay. I say it all the time, but trauma fucking sucks. It never lets you go. It's the elephant on your chest when you pass a stupid exit sign where you got left multiple times to fend for yourself. It's the Facebook memories of supposed great times that were tainted by harassment. It's time alone that you can't catch your breath because something triggered you. It's hard. I don't have a magic answer on how to fix it, but I try like hell to normalize the suck, because I didn't know when I was going through the thick of it that it was happening to anyone else and I felt alone. I refuse to let anyone else feel alone in the struggle.