Thanks For The Memories
Today this popped up on my timeline. It was a good night. I should be happy right?
Instead this was a sucker punch to the gut. A solid reminder of how far I’ve come in the last couple of years. This sold out concert of one of my favorite bands was tainted at the time by a boyfriend that I had attempted to break up with a few days prior incessantly blowing up my phone because he didn’t want to be without me….My entire night was long trips to the bathroom to shed some tears because I didn’t know what to do. I felt smothered. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t enjoy my night because I was texting HIM! Because if I didn't respond instantly there were five more texts hounding me for a response. The anxiety I didn't know I even had was at a max and my threshold only grew over the coming months which is truly so terrifying to think about now.
Looking back on this night, now older and wiser, I should’ve shut my phone off and enjoyed every second. Then, I had anxiety that I didn’t even know existed. I panicked. I couldn’t breathe, my head was spinning, my heart racing, and I couldn’t enjoy my life even in such a fun moment in time. I was spinning out of control. Things got so much worse from there and this is just a snapshot, but I felt like I needed to share. Trauma although may be “over” and in the past can be triggered by just about any normal thing. Triggers come up basically daily and without the proper tools to handle the situation it can easily become incredibly overwhelming.
I cannot stress enough the need for constant and deliberate self-care and self-reflection of these incredibly difficult chapters. The only way to move on is to learn from these experiences, not let them define you, but to let them help you flourish into the person you were destined to become.
The stronger, healthier, happier you is in that cracked shell of a human. I can promise you that. You just have to dig, feed the soul, put in the hard work, and let her grow. She's in there and is destined for amazing things. <3