Gaslighter

In the words of the Dixie Chicks,

“Gaslighter, denier

Doin' anything to get your ass farther

Gaslighter, big timer

Repeating all of the mistakes of your father”

Gaslighting was something I didn’t know ANYTHING about until about 4 months into my therapy experience and I think this is something that we as a society need to do a way better job of educating our young women about. Here’s the low down according to dictionary.com. Gaslighting means you “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity”. Well this happened to me and I was completely blind to it at the time. I went into such a deep depression that I had completely lost myself which if you have followed me over the last 18 months you know all about.

Here’s the scary thing about gaslighting the abuser believes that they are right. They truly believe that they are right. I recently watched the show Outerbanks on Netflix (this is a shameless plug because it is very good) but one of the male characters (Topper) BLATANTLY gaslights his girlfriend and I felt compelled enough by that 15 seconds of a few episodes where he was just so forward in doing it that I thought I’d share my personal stories about how it completely changed me.

There’s a great list of warning signs of gaslighting put together by Psychology Today and I want to share that list with you and give you some examples of how I was manipulated in those exact situations. Because if ONE woman can learn from my story I feel compelled to share it a million times. No matter how hard it is for me to share it. This is by zero means easy for me to write. This is raw, this is real, this was my horrible reality for almost a year of my life and I thought it was normal and that I was the problem.

1. They tell blatant lies.

Where to begin with this one. “Something came up” “I had to work late” “X, needed help and I couldn’t leave” it never ended. Yet, there I’d sit at the restaurant that he picked for that night and have to pay my tab alone and be “the girl that got stood up”. “You make me so happy” one second and “You are the worst, most insincere, awful, disgusting person” the next. I was called a cold-hearted bitch more times than I could count and if you know anything about me that’s just about as far from my personality as humanly possible. But for some reason you trust the words from someone you think cares about you and those words leave a lasting mark.

2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.

At the end of our relationship he told me he cheated with a friend of his. I believed it because she was always around and was just the kind of person who thought she was better, so I figured on a night when “something came up” it was her. I believed it because well he told me and it seemed like something the two of them would do. He gave me details that no one should have to hear. Cheating alone was enough of a dagger to the heart...right? Well about a week after he told me that he said it was a lie and that he just told me that to see if I would leave him. I should’ve heard the warning lights blaring in my head right? I was so beyond broken I didn’t even know what to think. How could someone lie like that to someone that they “loved”. He went on to tell me that he never even told me that he cheated, just that he was hanging out with her. I had so many texts that proved the opposite, but he didn’t even care. He was convinced that I was the problem.

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.

This was his biggest thing in my situation. He used my family and friends against me any chance he could. He would say that my family would be disappointed in me if I left him or that my friends were brainwashing me into trying to get him out of my life (which in retrospect they were so beyond right about). I was so ashamed of the person I had become. I told 2 strong and fearless women in my life that I had started going to a therapist. It took me MONTHS to tell my parents that I had been going. I was so embarrassed and ashamed about what I had let him do to me I felt like no one else could ever understand.

4. They wear you down over time.

I would be in the middle of teaching and no joke 15 to 25 texts would be blowing up my phone because he needed something or attention right that second. It was exhausting. He wanted constant, unwavering attention. And if you didn’t respond, there would be the fear of what would happen. Is he going to show up at my work? My second job? Call me? Come to school? The sky was the limit.

5. Their actions do not match their words.

“I love you” but I am going to turn everyone you hold near and dear to your heart against you. I am going to push you away from everyone. You can only spend time with me. Dress a certain way. I got you this, but now you should get me something.

6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.

This is very similar to the above. “I love you” “You are amazing”

“You are the most beautiful girl in the entire world” I struggle with this because it still holds me underwater every time I hear those words. I feel like I can’t take any of it seriously. I am numb to any of the words that he once said to me because I was conditioned for them to not hold any meaning since every time I assumed I was feeling the right thing I assumed wrong and was told that. Which is horrible. It is so hard to be in a new relationship that is so different from the past, but still have those stomach churning feelings because in the back of my mind I still have to question if he really means it. It isn’t fair. He doesn’t deserve this. He came into my life in the middle of me trying to figure all of this out. It still hurts me to this day and I hope that I can someday get to a point of true feeling and understanding that words can be the truth again.

7. They know confusion weakens people.

PREACH this to the people in the back. I got to a point in the relationship where I refused to text him because I would “mis-interpret” what he meant in a text and I would suffer repercussions for it and it was NOT my fault at all. He bent and twisted the words he used in texts to mean something completely different than the words that he meant. And by some grace of God I was supposed to understand what he meant even though it wasn’t at all what he wrote.

8. They project.

This one really pushes the knife into the gut. I could not tell you how many times we would be out with friends and he’d get hammered and disappear. Like leave me at a bar with none of my people alone and have to figure out how to get home. Then proceed to not answer his phone until the next morning when “everything was fine I just got an uber home”. Then it would get to the point where me having a drink or two those very same nights would be “you have a drinking problem”. Ummm no, YOU who ditched me at a bar to find a way home because you were blackout and forgot you even came with me. Sir, you were the problem. And ladies, you always need a back up plan. A friend you can call. An emergency $40 in your wallet for a cab. ALWAYS bring your keys with you. You always have to look out for yourself and I promise you the day you have to use any of those things you have in place for yourself you’ll thank me.

9. They try to align people against you.

Ladies, let me preach this one to you. Your friends are not evil nor would they wish any hurt or harm against you. They are your friends. They may step back when they don’t like a situation, but they will ALWAYS be there for you. I was told for months on end that my friends were bad influences, that they couldn’t be trusted, and that they had ulterior motives. Obviously completely not the case, but it still happened. I can promise you that when you realize what is going on and you need someone they will be there to catch you with open arms, extensive coffee and brewery chats, and eat ice cream with you until you are better. I promise you. They will be there to wipe away the tears. Even if they don’t understand, they will always have time to comfort and console you when you need it. No questions asked. And the people that continue to hide in the wings are not true friends. The ones who are not there to send the “just checking in” text or give you a morning call. Or check in with you at night because they know that’s the hardest time for you to be alone. Those are your people. The others are not the people you want in your life because they aren’t willing to accept and learn from mistakes of your past and help you to live a better future. They aren’t worth your time or energy, believe me.

10. They tell you or others that you are crazy.

He had me convinced that I was losing my mind and he was not afraid to share that with anyone. His friends, my friends, me. He had me so convinced that I was a psychopath who was unworthy of life that I began to believe it. I had lost all feeling. I was numb to the world. Everything I did he told me was wrong, so I gave up trying. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t enough. I was a hollow soul who was devoid of feelings and emotions and I thank him for pushing me to a place where I was so low that I was forced to get help. HE forced me into therapy because he “knew” I was crazy. THANK GOD for that. I found Christine. I let it all out and I am now STRONG and EMPOWERED. There is no better revenge than success. Him and I have no contact and I hope to god I neer have to cross paths with him again, but I wake up knowing that from nothing I rose into the woman I am today and there is beauty in the broken. I am not healed. I still have a long way to go, but I have learned so much about myself, and my family, and how I interact with others because a single person manipulated me into believing I was unworthy.

11. They tell you everyone else is a liar.

Everyone. Like Oprah’s you get a car, you get a car, you get a car. It’s x is a liar, Y is a liar, Z is a liar. No one is safe in their mind. And everyone who doesn’t like them is wrong. Ugh, just writing this is taking the wind out of my sails.

As horrible and hard that was for me to write it provides me with a sense of relief. A chance for me to once again let some more of that situation go and in a weird way feel better. I’ve said it before and I hope to be able to say it a million more times if me sharing my story helps 1 person get help or reach out to ask for help or resources. What I am doing is worth it. It is hard. It isn’t fun. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking of who I was 18 months ago. I don’t even recognize her. I was a shadow of the person I am today and I am beyond grateful to have escaped when I did. You don’t need bad people in your life. They also can’t hold you hostage. They can threaten that they will ruin you, but if the truth got shared they’d be the ones in trouble not you. So run and don’t look back. Share your life with the people who bring you joy and happiness and help you through the hard times. It won’t be glamorous and I am surely not going to pretend and tell you it’s easy because it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

But…

I promise you it will get better and you are worthy of happiness.

XO,