New Beginning
New beginnings are tough… even though Chad and I have been together almost a year, as of late my anxiety has been in full force. With all of the stress, uncertainty and fear that comes with COVID-19 I have been struggling. Struggle is not a good thing. It’s hard. It’s not pretty. It’s ugly. It makes me shut down. Completely. It feels like we are just starting to date all over again. There are days where I barely know myself let alone understand how I feel. It’s like this situation has made me a different person. Someone who is on the verge of tears at any given moment. Someone who gets worried with a slight change in plan. Someone who even more so thrives on routine and normalcy. Why? I have no clue.
I am going to give it to you straight. This weekend we were supposed to be in Two Harbors galavanting through the woods on an adventure just the two of us. Was I looking forward to it? You have no idea. It was a light. Something for me to look forward to for the last 3 months since I booked it. It was an escape. A weekend where I didn’t have to worry about work or home or anything. I could be free.
Instead, we are at home. Did we make the best of it? Absolutely. Friday, we had a chill night in. Saturday, I worked in the morning, then we went for a beautiful hike at the High Bridge, enjoyed a take out dinner and watched our show. Today, I woke up and made a couple of quiches. Then we got coffee from our favorite local spot and headed to a sculpture park to take some photos then go for a hike. And we did! I packed snacks and we hiked for a few hours. It was really fun.
Until, I took a simple side comment to heart and it hurt. I don’t like to talk about it at the moment. I just have to let it hurt. I get quiet. I don’t want to talk. I scrunch up and shut down. It was a stupid comment that he had no idea would make me sad. "You're always over doing things" should not have broken me, but it did. I felt like the whole day was a waste. IT WASN'T! I had a great time. I love hiking. I need to be outside everyday. I love the prep that goes into a picnic lunch. I thrive on that.
Unfortunately, what I can’t say in the moment is how I really just want a meaningful hug and for you to tell me it’s okay. But instead of just doing that I lash out. I get angry. I get snappy because I don’t want to talk even though I know that you are asking questions just to better understand. In the moment I don’t even know. Unfortunately, I don’t even understand. I don’t listen. I want you to be there. I don’t want you to go. I want you to tell me it’s going to be okay and that you’re sorry. Even if you don’t really know what you did. Please don’t tell me I’m overreacting or expect me to be able to let it go, because I can’t. I’m unfortunately not wired that way.
This article explains so much.
This hard and ugly season is going to pass...I promise! We will all have our chance at another new beginning. It’s just going to take a minute and the important thing is that we remind ourselves of that and strive to make each day just a little bit better than the one before.
As the article above says, "It might be hard sometimes. There might be stupid fights of scenarios they’ve created in their own head. But more than anything, they’re worth fighting for. The toughest people usually are. And if you can fight with them through this, it’ll come back to you ten folds.
I promise you, if we can make it through this unprecedented season of life we can do just about anything and everyone's relationships will be stronger than anyone could ever imagine.
CB
