I hope that you too have a special place. Where you know exactly how many miles as each exit sign passes. A place where the exit off the interstate gives you goosebumps. Where you can still walk down Minnesota Street and see the same friendly faces from years prior. Where the smell of stale cigarette smoke floats through the bar and it brings you back to nights of warm Jameson and more awkward dance parties than you could ever truly put a number too.

I was once told by an acquaintance that I shouldn’t share the struggle. That it should be hidden because “you’re not the only one dealing with it”. Well, it’s my life and I am going to share it. I had to decide what to do with the trauma of an incredibly difficult relationship. I could’ve swallowed it and lived it and I honestly don’t know where I’d be today, but I can tell you that it wouldn’t be good. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. Sharing my story is not to receive a pity party. That was never my intention and never will be.

I am not ready to share all that has been going on in my life or why I may be a bit more distant on the blog for the next few weeks, but I will share the story when the time is right.

I am a writer, it’s no secret. I contemplated giving up this outlet. I really did. I took a few days and decided that I really can’t. This is my outlet. This is how I share my story until I have a new platform to speak and share. I share. I am an educator. I am wired to write, and speak, and network and it’s in my DNA. This is it and I love it and how it makes me feel which means that I am not giving it up.

“I’ve been struggling...I’ve had thoughts of self harm and suicide. I didn’t follow through, but I was in a dark place”. My heart stopped. I could not believe sitting next to my beautiful friend that these words were coming out of her mouth. I felt like I was being punched in the gut and wanted to vomit all simultaneously. This strong, brave, incredible woman had reached her breaking point. I just wanted to hold her and remind her that there are so many options and ways to seek help I just wanted to cry. I still want to cry just writing this.

Quarantine sucks straight up sucks.

It's fricken hard. So I'm going to tell you something that I am sure you've heard, but I am going to tell you again. IT SUCKS FOR EVERYONE. IT IS NOT JUST YOU. So quit your pity party and try to make the best of it. It's all we can do at this point.

New beginnings are tough… even though Chad and I have been together almost a year, as of late my anxiety has been in full force. With all of the stress, uncertainty and fear that comes with COVID-19 I have been struggling. Struggle is not a good thing. It’s hard. It’s not pretty. It’s ugly. It makes me shut down. Completely. It feels like we are just starting to date all over again. There are days where I barely know myself let alone understand how I feel. It’s like this situation has made me a different person. Someone who is on the verge of tears at any given moment. Someone who gets worried with a slight change in plan. Someone who even more so thrives on routine and normalcy. Why? I have no clue.

I am going to give it to you straight. This weekend we were supposed to be in Two Harbors galavanting through the woods on an adventure just the two of us. Was I looking forward to it? You have no idea. It was a light. Something for me to look forward to for the last 3 months since I booked it. It was an escape. A weekend where I didn’t have to worry about work or home or anything. I could be free.

So sorry for the hiatus the last couple of weeks. My world has been going a million miles a minute and I just needed to take a beat and disconnect, but I'm back!

This week at work I had a woman interrupt my sales pitch and say "I'm sorry, but I just have to tell you...you're so beautiful". I have to say at first I thought this old, purple trench coat wearing, short silver hair, dark heavy rimmed glasses dawning woman was out of her mind. I didn't feel great in the outfit I was wearing, I hadn't taken an extra 5 minutes to straighten my hair just right.

I honestly didn't know what to think. And then she continued, "your skin is impeccable, your eyes are so bright, and your smile... well... it's second to none". I responded with a simple "wow, thank you, you just made my day"! She was so kind and she simply said, "So many young women don't realize or hear nearly enough how wonderfully unique and beautiful you are."

Let me tell you I heard what she said and it's been in my mind ever since.