Growing Pains
If you have been here for the long haul you know that about 5 years ago I was in an incredibly traumatic and emotionally abusive relationship. To make a very long and complicated story short that relationship ended with unsolicited visits to my home. I tried getting an order of protection against this person, but it turns out there’s not much the state can do to help you when you own a home and your name and address is public record…and when the perpetrator is a renter and “can’t be reached” to serve your OFP; it’s useless. You have no protection and it feels like you are being threatened at every turn. It took me months to feel safe anytime I was alone, but especially in my own home.
So fast forward to about 6 weeks ago…my husband was very unexpectedly let go from his job. Our housing was attached to his work, so after attempts to negotiate and his place of employment denying even speaking to us, talks with lawyers, and a lot of tears, we had less than 6 weeks to find a new place to live. Let me tell you I don’t know how anything could be worse that the thought that you and your family don’t have a place to go. We had just finished talking to our financial planner literally two weeks prior about how purchasing our forever home was about a year down the road and that we just needed to stick it out for another year here. As we know all too well, life had other plans.
I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread and anxiety now anytime I had to be at the house alone. Knowing that his prior employer is here working in the very next building. I felt threatened that we had such a good relationship in the past and now they legitimately pulled the rug out from under us. Thankfully we had a great realtor and mortgage broker to work with and I got right on trying to find us a new place to live. I knew renting wasn’t my first choice because I knew I didn’t want something short term. I wanted to feel settled, finally. I wanted this to be a place were we are in control and can make it our own.
5 showings later we found our home. I am excited to share that we are closing Monday and couldn’t be more excited to start this new chapter, but I want to take some more time to unpack the feelings that are associated with this move.
During my therapy session yesterday I don’t know what changed, but I could finally put into words how this situation was making me feel and how it was so similar to how I felt a few years ago. I am anxious all the time. There’s a pit in my stomach anytime I am here alone. I know we have cameras, but there’s something about the feeling of having your safe place threatened and violated that makes you uncomfortable.
Do I really think that they would do anything to harm me? No.
Do I feel betrayed that these people are doing this to us? Absolutely.
Do I feel that they would be lawyer-ed up and incredibly pissed off if this was happening to one of their beloved children? Yes. They wouldn’t let this happen to their own kids, so why are they doing it to us? These people attended our wedding, that’s how good of a relationship I thought we had. Thought being the key word apparently.
Even in acknowledging the facts that I am not going to be harmed. Qualifying the feelings doesn’t make them go away.
I saw this post on Instagram the other day and I thought it was so fitting to our current situations and it was a great reminder for how to focus your energy.
I am not someone who thrives in change. The times of uncertainty and change in routine are INCREDIBLY difficult for me. Needless to say the last few weeks have been a true struggle. Packing, purging, living in boxes, de-cluttering, not having time to myself, Chad starting a new job, it has all been so incredibly hard. He’s now doing a job that he enjoys and has a lot of room for upward potential which is wonderful, but that also means that he comes home and he is exhausted, so it feels like the weight of this move is falling on my shoulders. He helps when he can, but working from home makes it “more convenient” for me to be handling the day to day, the packing, the dogs, the lawyers for the housing situation, realtors, mortgage brokers, setting up utilities and such for the new house, closing things out for this house. It’s heavy. It’s a lot. I cannot wait for it to be over.
I cannot wait for the Saturday morning sourdough bake that I can have in the new house.
The evening bonfires overlooking the woods.
The lake being 1 block from the house, so evening boat rides can be a reality. I am so ready for the new normal.
I am ready to close this chapter and start fresh. I am ready to grow and flourish in a new environment and that is immense growth.
I am so proud of us and how far we’ve come.
Cheers to the next chapter!
In case you are in the market for a new home or a mortgage broker check out these gals. They have made this entire process a breeze and I am so grateful for the work that they have done for us.
Olivia Vanorsdale https://www.edinarealty.com/vanorsdale-group
@vanorsdalegroup_realestate
Ellie Breitbach https://www.loandepot.com/loan-officers/ebreitbach
@mortgagesbyellie